Before I left last week, I was melting down a bit. The weight of trying to balance a mentally demanding full time job while starting my own business has been pressing on me slowly for months, squeezing my energy and deflating me. I knew it would be a lonely adventure, this business of mine {happy as it may make me}. But I wasn't quite prepared for just how emotionally consumed I would be with it, ever at the forefront of my mind and with not one person as invested as me. Sure, people tell me often that I can bounce ideas off of them or seek advice but really, at the end of the day, I'm the business, the business is me and the decisions alone are mine.

What really broke me down last week was coming to the realization that I had reached a level of selfishness I never thought possible of myself; my mind completely and overly occupied. I'd become a bad daughter, grand-daughter, sister, aunt, friend and wife. I hadn't replied to emails or rsvp'd to invitations or returned phone calls or text messages or made dinner or kept my house clean. I had denied so many things under the guise of my busy-ness and the full realization of all these things came crashing down on me hours before I needed to drive to Milwaukee to board a plane for Reno.

And then I got there. 

My yoga practice hasn't been as consistent recently as it has at other times in my life, so I knew from experience that I would be insanely sore by day two. But what I wasn't quite sure of was how able I'd be to just let go. Just be present. To tap into what's lying underneath all the superficial day to day emotions I've been feeling lately and give myself over a little bit. It was in my second class on the second day where I danced and laughed and sweated and then held pigeon pose for fifteen minutes on each side and cried my eyes out as I let go of months worth of tension and anxiety that I had been carrying around, buried so deep that it felt an inherent part of my being. I left class feeling twenty pounds lighter.

I needed this weekend for so many reasons, not the least of which was loosening my grip on some things I've been holding on to much too tightly for awhile now and forgiving myself for some things that needed forgiving. I thought tons about my family and thanked God for blessing me so foolishly. I rid myself of the selfish compression I've been feeling and made room to grow closer to the friends there that I knew and the ones I just met and all those I love at home too.

I drank too much wine and stayed up too late. Our house was Real World meets Brady Bunch and was kind of weirdly perfectly perfect.

The weekend was perfectly perfect too.

1 comment:

  1. How very fantastic this post is for so many reasons. And how strange that you share this at a time in my life when I'm feeling so many of the same things (though, perhaps, for many different reasons). I cannot wait to FINALLY get an email to you. I must know more about this retreat. I must start breathing. And stretching. Letting go. Processing. Not processing. And, above all, living presently (my new book, buddhism for mothers is helping me with this). And YOU must make it to SoCal one of these days. Our paths shall cross. They shall!